Vetting

Finding your first (and hopefully last) partner.

So you’ve lurked profiles for years. Maybe you occasionally would send a message but immediately delete your account afterwards. We’ve all been there. BDSM being what it is, makes searching for a partner far more dangerous and intimidating. Now I am not trying to scare you, far from it actually, but trying to impress upon you the very first thing you should practice when looking for a partner in this lifestyle. Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (R.A.C.K.) and Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC).

R. isk - BDSM is inherantly risky, and if someone tells you its not, they are not safe.

Risk means many things. Suspension is risky, but so is messaging a random stranger on a social media website. We use the word risk because within the confines of BDSM, everything has some level of risk.

A. ware - You cant see the risks without being aware of why they are risky.

Risk-aware is probably my favorite two words within the kink other than “Yes Sir”. Being aware of how safe a practice is helps reduce its risk. There is no “Safe” or “Not safe” in R.A.C.K.. The same comes to finding a partner. Be aware of the amount of risk you are taking and weigh the magnitude of your decision.

C. onsensual - Consent matters. Being Dominant doesn’t give you power to negate consent. Being submissive doesn’t mean you forgo your consent.

Consent is up there with the most important items when it comes to finding a partner. Did a perspective Dominant send you a private message (PM) and immediately demand that you refer to them as Sir/Master/Daddy? Did you accept a dinner date and were given instructions without meeting this person first? You have a choice. It doesn’t matter if you consider yourself submissive, you are in control of what happens at all times. If anyone ever tells you that because you’re submissive that your “choice” doesn’t matter or you cant set limits, they are not safe or worthy of your attention.

K. ink - Whatever non-vanilla activity applies to the above.

This one is simple. Kink simply refers to the acts that need to follow the above. Remember, all kink is inherently risky, its up to you and your partner to mitigate that risk to an acceptable level.

SSC - Safe, Sane, and Consensual isn’t as widely used as it used to be, but it still has importance.

Being safe is fundamentally required when you begin your journey into this lifestyle. Safe with choice, with partner selection, and when practicing the kinks. Sane is another fundamental that I believe in. A requirement of mine for any potential partner is sanity. That means no alcohol, drugs, or anything else that alters your mental state. Sane also applies to the requests of the other. Are they moving too fast? Would a sane person get angry when you don’t do something they ask when you’ve just begun your journey? Consensual was explained before, so read above and keep it in mind.

Let’s Talk Vetting - What is it? How to do it? Seeking help.

So you found someone. They check some if not all of the boxes that you are seeking in a partner. You decide to send them a message. Let’s use an example from a submissive that I mentored:

“Hi Bear, I’m Fawn. I read your profile and really liked what I saw. How are you doing today?” - Fawn

“Hey Fawn, nice to meet you. I appreciate you taking the time to read my bio. My day is fine, boring as hell, but fine.” - Bear

Seems like this conversation is pretty normal. She liked what how he replied, and started to get that warm and fuzzy feeling. Let’s continue a bit later in the conversation:

“So what are you looking for Fawn? I saw that you said you’re new to the lifestyle and want to learn. What makes you like the idea of submission? -Bear

“Honestly, I don’t know what I am looking for. I’ve just had this feeling for as long as I can remember. I’ve tried with boyfriends in the past, but it just never felt right.” -Fawn

“Yeah, vanilla men just don’t understand submissive women. It takes a strong man to make a woman submit. Do you want to submit to me?” -Bear

Ah, now we see some red flags. First, the second sentence is a tell. “It takes a strong man to make a woman submit.” Dominants DO NOT make anyone submit.