What is BDSM?

Bondage, Discipline, Domination, Submission, Sadism & Masochism

By definition, BDSM is: bondage, discipline (or domination), sadism (or submission), and masochism (as a type of sexual practice). In reality, BDSM is the over encompassing/overlapping term for people involved within the kink community. It covers a vast variety of kinks, even some non-sexual. So, let’s start with the basics.

B - Bondage is the practice of consensually tying, binding, or restraining a partner for erotic, aestetic, or somatosensory stimulation.

In general, bondage is simple. In practice, its anything but. Bondage takes practice. It takes understanding of anatomy. Sure, you browsed various websites and saw the beautiful photos of riggers and their rope bunnies. I’m here to tell you that those people dedicated themselves to learning the craft. We all start somewhere, but if you’re just diving into the world of bondage, take some time to learn the Do’s and Don’ts of safe bondage practices.

Bondage to me means many things as a Dominant. Yes, at the basest level, bondage is the act of restraining someone with leather, rope, or anything else, but bondage also means the mental binding of the submissive to the Dominant. Is it not bondage when the submissive is attached to the hip of her Dominant? Any small time away becomes agony and longing? To me, bondage is just that, binding something. My submissive feels lost when she is separated from me. Was she conditioned to be this way? Yes and no. Just like vanilla relationships, a partnership forms. That partnership requires bondage. Without it, why would he stay? Why would she kneel by the door waiting for his return?

Basically, bondage is a word and what that word means to you, is whatever you decide it to be.

To learn more about bondage, visit Sir’s article Here.

D - Discipline in BDSM is the practice in which the dominant sets rules which the submissive is expected to obey. When rules of expected behaviour are broken, punishment is often used as a means of disciplining.

Here lies what the vanilla world thinks of when BDSM is brought up. Discipline and Punishment. Most immediately think of an angry person weilding an instrument of torture, yet it couldn’t be farther from the truth (occasionally such tools can be weilded as an instrument of torture). Discipline is an important part of the D/s dynamic. So important, that I’d say it wouldn’t work without it. Let’s discuss what that means.

Discipline can come in many forms. Personally, I value my submissives discipline in performing certain tasks. When they don’t maintain a certain level of discipline with my commands, then it’s time for discipline’s other meaning. The English language has plenty of words with dual meanings, as does BDSM. Your Dominant can be disciplined in the art of Shibari, and your submissive can need discipline and correction. I understand this may seem vague, not answering questions you may have, but we will dive deeper into discipline in a later post.

D & S - Domination and submission (also abbreviated D/s) is a set of behaviors, customs, and rituals involving the submission of one person to another in an erotic episode or lifestyle.

First, let’s end the notion now that the Dominant is just a person who enjoys controlling someone, and that a submissive is just a person who is weak and taken advantage of.

D/s comes in many forms. Some prefer scenes and/or sessions. A set amount of time to “play” the roles of each. Others may enjoy the “Lifestyle”, practicing the dynamic 24/7 365 and sometimes with Total Power Exchange (TPE). Humans are indecisive. We change with new experiences and stimulus. What worked for you years ago, may not be what works for you now.

The Dominant - can be a caregiver, provider, leader, instructor, lover, or many other things. They are in control. Their focus must be on the safety and sanity of the submissive. Some (if not most) think that being a Dominant is easy. That commands are given and they should just be followed. However, this is utterly wrong. Being a Dominant is a job. Being a Dominant is knowing right from wrong, and what is safe and sane. It requires the practitioner to study and learn, not accepting failure because the other is placing trust in them.

The submissive - is strong, caring, and ultimately has special needs. Personally, I believe submissive’s are some of the strongest of people. Allowing themselves to be vulnerable, placing such a large amount of trust in another. Being submissive does not mean they enjoy being abused. It doesn’t mean they are “easy”. submissives have a certain need, just as the Dominant. That need can come in many forms. From serving to masochism. submission, just like BDSM as a whole, is a spectrum, and what works for some, may not work for all.

S & M - Sadism & Masochism (or Sadomasochism) is the giving and receiving of pleasure from acts involving the receipt or infliction of pain or humiliation.

Some people say you can’t have one without the other, but the truth is not so black and white. While one requires a form of the other, they are not mutually exclusive. Personally, I am not a sadist. I do not enjoy causing pain, but I respect its neccesity. Remember above about BDSM being a spectrum? I enjoy leaving marks (non-permanent) on my submissive. The redness, slight raising of the skin, and the bruises days after are a beautiful painting that will never be recreated again. But that doesn’t mean I enjoy causing pain to my submissive. Even more so when it comes to impact for punishment. The speed, force, and positioning of each blow is well thought out, to maximize its effectiveness with the least amount of damage. That’s just me. We each have our prefrences, and thats whats wonderful about the community.

Does a masochist expressly enjoy any form of pain? Be it emotional, physical, or mental? No. Just like everything else, the level at which something is enjoyed depends on the person. My submissive is not a masochist by definition, yet she occasionally enjoys pain. She enjoys it because it please her Dominant. She enjoys it because being punished keeps her focused. Outside of those confines, she doesn’t enjoy pain. Don’t box yourself in. Explore what works for you and don’t be ashamed of your kinks.