Where to Begin
Heart, Brain, and your Sex
A. “Hi Mr Sir. I’m a newbie and I really like the lifestyle. I keep trying to find a Dom, but every time they are fakes and only wanted to fuck me. I don’t get it. I just want someone to tie me up, tell me what to do, and make me theirs. I really like getting choked and fucked when I’m tied up.”
What you see above is an all to common communication I receive on various platforms. Women/men alike search through apps, websites, and in-person for something that fits the fantasy in their head, no matter how detached from reality it is. But, that isn’t the whole story.
First and foremost, STOP SEARCHING FOR A DOMINANT WITH YOUR CUNT. You spend hours upon hours browsing the web for content on the lifestyle. Watching porn, reading books, reading articles, etc. Then the time comes for you to speak to a potential partner, and you open with some form of neediness. Sure, we all get turned on by the thought of the dynamic and what it could look like for us, but the problem lies with your clouded judgement. Men call it “Post Nut Clarity” (Post-nut clarity is a term describing the feeling of being clear-headed or mentally "reset" after orgasm in sexual intercourse or masturbation).
When you lead with your sex, you decided to open the door to those that only desire to fuck someone.
Listen to your Heart and vett with your Brain
When my current submissive found my bio on FetLife, she immediately felt a flutter within her chest. It wasn’t that the bio was grotesque or sexual, it was the heartfelt manner in which it was written. Before she had spoken one word to me, she knew that this person took the lifestyle seriously and was extremely passionate about BDSM as a whole.
Of course, reading the bio did elicit a response deep within her sex, but instead of letting that emotion guide her, she instead took a few days to gather her thoughts before sending her first message. That first message can be nerve wracking when you believe you’ve found your potential partner, but if you speak from your heart, you have control over the conversation and its direction.
Remember, you are in control.
Don’t rush to getting your needs met. You set the pace for the conversation. Talk about your vanilla interests, likes, and needs, and ask about theirs. If the other party rushes towards the sexual, you can recognize the posers for what they are.
So you’ve found Him/Her
Your new. Their new. Whether they have had years of experience or none at all, begin with setting boundaries and limits. Communicate what you need from a dynamic and learn the same from them. Discuss how vanilla life could effect your dynamic and vise-versa. You are building a relationship that is exactly the same as the vanilla equivalent, but with extra steps. Once the human basics are established, communicate openly about your Hard and Soft Limits (Hard and Soft Limits discussed Here). Don’t shy away from your desires nor dislikes. Communication is key.
Again, don’t rush to get your hole filled. Communication, communication, and communication. COMMUNICATE.
Now its time to meet this person. Its this writers advice that you have a vanilla date if possible. Meet in a public place. Honestly, have a couple dates. Someone that is wiling to be your partner in this lifestyle will understand the need for restraint and safety. Now, with that said, don’t be afraid to discuss sexual things. Slowly dip your toes into using honorifics if you’ll be using them. You control the pace.
The First Session
Here we go. It’s all led to this moment. The moment you relinquish control and let another dictate the outcome. Remember your safe words (Safe Words discussed Here) and learn from this experience.
Enjoy yourself.
Each session is vastly different and I couldn’t possibly cover the infinite possibilities. However, you should finish a session with a new sense of purpose. It should have expressed your concerns and fulfilled your desires. Whether it went well or not, communicate after you both come down from the headspace. I call them AAR’s or After Action Reviews. It’s an old military term I brought with me to the kink.
In the beginning of a new dynamic, having those AAR’s after a session are extremely important. It helps both partners evolve, adapt, and adjust. Its a time for teaching and learning, so don’t skip it.
So, dear needy reader, remember, Communicate.